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Sunday, June 12, 2011

hate how my brain works

Other than the writings to present my feelings & thoughts, i know Master wanted me to have this blog to focus & learn more about bdsm and my role as His slave. In order to do this, one of the best way seems to be read more. It's a surprise today to notice such a long list of blogs i follow. Honestly, i enjoyed most of their writings, i get to know a bit more from some of their posts, i still want to read and explore more. Thank you every of you.

Along my way of exploration, i'm not only learning my role as His slave, i also found myself thinking and missing Him even more than i used to. It sounds good, right? However, my brain seems not working on a proper direction, it always goes on the negative side. i know it's only 2 days i didn't get to chat with Him, but all those insecure, uncertain, fears, wonders, etc started growing bit by bit. It is not nice and i think it's somehow annoying and not please to Him. i tried to re-focus on the upcoming punishments but the few options i can think of scared me even more that i dun want to write it out now.

So again, i miss Him, and yes i need Him in my life, that's the only thing left i can tell at the moment. my brain keep thinking of something like is He doing good or feeling happy today? where is He now? trips again? what are the things he do to spend a work day or rest day? when will he back to talk with me? will he punish me by letting me alone? will he.... oh no....start going back to the negative way again. There are lots more questions in my brain, but all i will ask is only "How are U doing Master?". i rarely ask another follow up questions to make Him feel so bothered, even i really want to know more about His daily life.

This is me, always have lots of questions working in my brain but never brave to speak it out unless i drunk (no, i can't do that again otherwise will be in a bigger trouble). i can be talkative while writing, but in real life i'm very quiet. It's hard to explain why, shy yes, but also hold back what i wanna say. i need to think again & again beforehand in order not to speak anything wrong. i need to predict how's the opposite side react and then prepare how should i reply. It just so many options and Q&A need to be well prepared before i can figure out the proper words to speak. If something happened out of my prediction or planning, i may end up stand there can't speak and can't response. That's not fun. That's how i hate my brain works. It would be good if can change a more simple and straight forward thinking brain on me thru it's impossible.

seems a great moment, i love this pic but it's not me lol.


  1. Don't hate how your brain works. It is who you are and he likes who you are.


  2. Thank you for the encouraging words :) i'm just too much a over-thinker.

  3. Hi there sl! thanks for visiting my blog. Your post resonates with me because I always feel very insecure when my Dom is away. I always start to think the worse and spiral into negativity. these days I am better at dealing with such feelings by accepting that it's just how i am and will always be when we are apart. i know in my heart that He will return to me soon and i hang on for dear life until then! i think it really helps to have a blog to be able to say what's in your heart too and to find kindred spirits who understand. take care sl. all the best x

  4. It sucks when they are away. Daddy is gone every other weekend and it drives me crazy. I try to focus on pleasing him even more then. Still it is hard.

  5. Thank you sub-kitten and Mindset for letting me know i'm not the only one to think like that. i should also thanks Master for pushing me to have this blog so that i have the chance to voice out my problems and meet likemind people like you both. Yes it is still hard but i will hang on as i know in my heart too He will back :)