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Friday, August 19, 2011

a lil bit update

It was almost a month since i last posted, sorry to take this break that was much longer than i expected.

There are several things i wanna mention in this post (sorry it just like my diary book now):

1) Thanks to the friends i met along this period for all ur support & comfort words, that's what i needed, thank you.

2) i did finally got a lil response from him which i never expected to. Well i couldn't feel relief from it but rather like another shock, and felt like the wound was bleeding again.

3) During this period, other than the friends i mentioned, a Dom i met in another site who is very nice & supportive suggested to be my mentor. We talked a lot and he cleared my doubts & still trying to mend my wings. Thanks so much for all his help & support, it was really tough to be alone without someone guiding ur road.

4) About real life stuff, one of the things i'm happy with is to connect with a friend again who i once lost contact for over a year. i know he is not well since an injury but glad to hear him getting better bit by bit, i wish him well and the best of luck.

5) And then for myself, a big day in the coming sunday - my graduation, thru not really excited just a lil acheivement for my hard work in the past 2 years. But it also reminded me one thing, he did helped me a lot in my last assignment for the topic "Leadership", so i should thanks to him too.

6) i'm not very well physically too in these days, was on & off in hospital but just old problems hope won't be too bad.  Therefore, excuse me if it takes some more days for my next post.

Wish U all a great Friday & weekend xxx

(hmm... i dunno how to explain why i choose this video... sigh...)

Friday, July 22, 2011

renamed almost everything

Thanks to Mindset, Dannah, Cuddlykitten, Lily, Zelda, Kitty and some emails from others for all the comments and support, it means a lot to me. Thank you.

And yes, i haven't deleted the blog but made more changes on here, ie. rename of blog, link, user name, change the background pic, and have some pages hidden now, etc. i know there are some more need to be done but may be later, i'm just so tired.

i dun have anything else to say now except thanks to you all, and excuse me for taking some more days to rest.

Wish you all a wonderful weekend xxx

changes or the end

i need some changes here, in fact i did one thing already. Yes, i removed him! It's the end of the story, and it comes to the ending of his little slave. i'm sorry to do it, but i can't stand it any more especially to what i found.

What is honesty? What is trustworthy?! What a fool was i to worry if anything worst happened to him or if he was too busy?! What a fool was i to blame myself if i did anything wrong?!

i'm thinking to delete this blog or rename everything? or any suggestions?

Thanks anyway for reading and for the past comments.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

thank you

Honestly, i was really thinking to stop writing or at least take a long break, but i just can't ignore the comments & let them hold there without answering. So, thanks so much for all ur comments on my previous post, means a lot to me and i wish to answer them all in this post rather than just leave a few lines at the reply box.

Dannah, thanks for ur kind suggestion. i have lots of doubts and was feeling alone & helpless these days. i dunno anyone in the lifestyle to talk to until the new friend (i have mentioned in previous post) providing me her helping hand, thanks so much for her. May be i should try ur suggestion to write down those feelings and anything happened during the week, i'm not sure if it helps but at least here is a channel for me to get some advice.

Humble little girl, it's so nice of having ur support too and i really need it, thanks.

Naida, thanks so much, i hope i can feel a lil bit connected but it's hard. Another reason why i want to stop writing was i feel bad to keep on telling all my sad feelings & negative thoughts. i'm sorry to the ppl came across my blog and read all the latest posts of mine, but i just can't think of anything positive.

Baby girl, thanks for coming by my blog and ur nice comments. i'm so sorry for all these recent negative posts. i hope it just as you said things will get better.

Kitty, hi i loved ur stories with ur Daddy! i'm sorry to admit that i tend to ignore all these things and torture myself during my down time. However, i finally learned one thing, no one will take care of you except yourself. i will try to remember ur words about eat healthy and exercise. Thanks.

so... for the past few days, i was actually not feeling any better and not any worse. i tried to get myself busy again and am trying to put those things left behind for several months to back on track, ie job hunting. During day time, everything seems ok may be cos when i wake up it's already lunch time & just few hours left to finish the day. Therefore, the long nite time (cos i usually sleep very late) make me feel hard, what i did was mostly had drinks with friends. i know it is not a good choice but can't think of other things to pass such a long nite.

i'll be a bit more busy for the following few days, appointments such as job interviews, medical checkup, waxing, facial treatments, and some family & friends gatherings. Hope time pass faster and easier.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

time off

Another week of tough time passed and i'm so blessed to have a new friend's support & comfort words to help me go through it bit by bit (well U know who U r, thanks so much).

She is right that i should at least make a note here to say i'll be away for a while, then to take time to think clearly, plus i have other important issues in real life to handle. In fact, i'll still around the blogger community cos i read a lot almost everyday (and comment some too), just dun feel like to say anything at my own blog here temporarily.

btw, i know it may not appropriate but there are some words i want to put it down too before i leave. i read back again & again but i can't figure out any fights, false accusations, lies and/or dramas. Did i use wrong words or expressions? i really dunno, but i'd never had this intention. Even if i did, i wasn't given any chances to explain or correct.

Well, it doesn't matter anymore, and i'm off to take my time to rest. Thanks for reading.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


Although i dun have much to write, i read a lot these days and would like to share the following two posts that found on

Who Has the Greatest Responsibility in a D/s Relationship? by lunaKM, and
Responsibility in a D/s Relationship by Sate

They are great posts and are good to refer to, i think especially when engaged in a healthy D/s relationship. hmm... but what about when it is not, who cares?!

Monday, July 4, 2011


It's been almost a week not updating the blog, i'm sorry but i couldn't come up to anything to write and it becomes meaningless to write on the blog if it is not for Him.

i cannot tell what's wrong cos i'm not sure about it and not willing to believe what i guess. Also, it is so disrespectful and irresponsible to write some unconfirmed thing that mainly comes from my own feelings.

It just too hard to only think on the good and stay positive, can anyone teach me how to do that?! sigh...i dunno how to explain and i know i'm not good in presentation especially cos english is not my 1st language. May be, the few words can appropriately describe my feelings in these days are: frustrated, disconnected, and...(some more words in my mind but better not tell)

Not sure when will have my next post, may be some days later or never. i'm so sorry for that my readers.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

rainy day

What's up today? Boring diary post, blue moods, and rainy day (forecast will last for a week)...

i hope i can say/write something positive, but i feel something seems going wrong. my brain is playing tricks on me, i'm not sure what's that & i dunno what to do. T__T

When i dun feel like talking, i just want some music, here are for today:

(Just by chance heard it on yesterday, hmm...what to say... it keeps me recall some old memories, but doesn't mean related to anything current.)

(this song from F.I.R. a Taiwanese pop rock band, just touched my heart & emotion. Well, may be most people here won't understand the chinese lyrics, it described what's left ultimately after a period of profound love, it is not hate, nor regret, and the tears to shed are actually sincere thanks.)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

i need U

i came across the post "Absence Makes The Heart... " by Sir DauntlessVitality today.  In fact, the similar things keep running in my brain lately.  Absence is not only a challenge but also a hard thing for me to deal with.  Time apart or living apart is always a fact for U/us, but from time to time there always been certain period that make me worried so much like the uncertainty keep growing, and sometimes it even make me feel like disconnected.  i understand certain things/situations are out of control, but understand is one thing and how to handle it properly is another thing.  Quote Sir DauntlessVitality's wordings: "Try not to look at it as a bad thing" and "Make it a learning experience and grow from it", i hope i can do it better bit by bit.

Take this chance to write something to U, my Master:

nice pic but just part of web collections
i miss U my Master, not only miss, but need.

i need U in my life, i need Ur guidance & directions to make me a better one.

i feel so lost without U, and so worry when i didn't hear from U or missed any chance to talk.

The start of this blog helped me to discover many things, but most importantly is that i realize how important U r to me.

all i want to say is.... i need U, and.....yes i need U.

(i know my presentation is not good, hope U dun mind and heard the voice in me)

Friday, June 24, 2011

harsh punishments but not much physical pain?!

i emailed Master with those tools i bought on last week which may be useful for "the punishments i can do by myself" :S May be a bit crazy, but all the things i can think of seems to be so painful therefore i still not ready to write the list out. i dunno, but it just so hard to think of anything else not involve any pain, especially Master said the punishment will be harsh.

According to the past record, none of the punishments involve any physical pain, so you can say i feel guilty and thus want to let myself suffer. However, i really dun have a creative mind, is there any suggestions of harsh punishments not involve much physical pain? or should i just let myself suffer for my misbehavior?! i dunno.