can you serve while sick?

Sorry there was nothing updated here for the past few days, i was really not well and had two days stayed in hospital. Anyway, it's another story not prepare to go further.

So...the title of this post... can you? i dunno why it suddenly comes up in my mind, but there are lots more things during the stay at hospital cos i once felt so pain inside & hard to breath so i thought i was going to die. i asked myself what are the things left i feel regret that i dun have time to complete...wow there are a lot, about family, friends, career, dreams and certainly about Him.

i wonder can i serve & please Him if i'm that sick? we are just online now but if going to real time, then i may become a burden more than anything that can serve Him & meet His needs.  Other than that, if i dun have any more time, i feel so regret that i still can't have a chance to meet Him, can't feel His touch, can't try out anything that W/we have discussed before, can't be the little part in His life and.....

oh sorry i'm going to the negative side of thinkings again.

what about His expectations

When i was thinking about Master and the rules last nite, i read Serenity's post about serving which is a very good one and lead me to think deeply about His expectations on me.

i remembered i asked once before and His answer was everything. Well, i know it should be everything because i belongs to Him so what are the things He won't expect from me?!  hmmm... but may be i'm a bit foolish, i still not quite sure about the details or the main parts of this "everything"? This "everything" to me is still too board.

my point is if i can't be sure about what He is looking for in me, how can i be the slave that He wants?! how can i please and serve Him better?! yes better, i always strive for excellence if that is the thing i choose to do, oh that sounds funny like a slogan lol.  However, that is me, either give up not doing or try to make it as perfect as i can even though there is no perfect but i can hardly accept a just pass grading. I feel stress too but i want to be a better one for Him.

Btw, linking up His current & future expectations on me to a set of written rules and review whenever necessary seems good for me to understand what He really wants and what not to. It just the similar way of job description or company policy did, staff are easier to know what are expecting from them and the standard required. Just my thoughts and i hope it won't bother too much.

hate how my brain works

Other than the writings to present my feelings & thoughts, i know Master wanted me to have this blog to focus & learn more about bdsm and my role as His slave. In order to do this, one of the best way seems to be read more. It's a surprise today to notice such a long list of blogs i follow. Honestly, i enjoyed most of their writings, i get to know a bit more from some of their posts, i still want to read and explore more. Thank you every of you.

Along my way of exploration, i'm not only learning my role as His slave, i also found myself thinking and missing Him even more than i used to. It sounds good, right? However, my brain seems not working on a proper direction, it always goes on the negative side. i know it's only 2 days i didn't get to chat with Him, but all those insecure, uncertain, fears, wonders, etc started growing bit by bit. It is not nice and i think it's somehow annoying and not please to Him. i tried to re-focus on the upcoming punishments but the few options i can think of scared me even more that i dun want to write it out now.

So again, i miss Him, and yes i need Him in my life, that's the only thing left i can tell at the moment. my brain keep thinking of something like is He doing good or feeling happy today? where is He now? trips again? what are the things he do to spend a work day or rest day? when will he back to talk with me? will he punish me by letting me alone? will he.... oh no....start going back to the negative way again. There are lots more questions in my brain, but all i will ask is only "How are U doing Master?". i rarely ask another follow up questions to make Him feel so bothered, even i really want to know more about His daily life.

This is me, always have lots of questions working in my brain but never brave to speak it out unless i drunk (no, i can't do that again otherwise will be in a bigger trouble). i can be talkative while writing, but in real life i'm very quiet. It's hard to explain why, shy yes, but also hold back what i wanna say. i need to think again & again beforehand in order not to speak anything wrong. i need to predict how's the opposite side react and then prepare how should i reply. It just so many options and Q&A need to be well prepared before i can figure out the proper words to speak. If something happened out of my prediction or planning, i may end up stand there can't speak and can't response. That's not fun. That's how i hate my brain works. It would be good if can change a more simple and straight forward thinking brain on me thru it's impossible.

seems a great moment, i love this pic but it's not me lol.

wrong way of thinking

i have oversleep today, the medicine for flu made me sleep most of the day. When i woke up, it's already noon so possibly i have missed Him online. :(

Reading back the chat history of yesterday (dunno why i do that so often but it's my habit :P ), i think i'm really bad and need to change my way of thinking. When W/we talked about punishments, i was upset & did not understand why He also punish me for the failed task that i thought due to situation out of my control. He asked me who do i serve, i answered very fast with the only word "U". i tried to explain the situation was out of my control, i tried to explain how can i possible to relate someone else as Him. But then He told me when He assigned me a task eg. with someone, then that someone is acting in His place but i'd never tried whatever i can to complete the task.

oh i really never think of this way, i think i took the action to try & even asked for what He wanted me to do but it can complete or not was not the decision by me. That's how the way i always think. i did not know it's not correct until the chat on yesterday.

"you are my slave and my slut and must be willing to do what ever it takes to complete your task" He said. It sounds like easy but i'd failed with it. i think of it seriously again and i understand what was wrong in my mind. i'm sorry Master and i know i deserve the punishments. Thank you for reminding me of that.