thank you

Honestly, i was really thinking to stop writing or at least take a long break, but i just can't ignore the comments & let them hold there without answering. So, thanks so much for all ur comments on my previous post, means a lot to me and i wish to answer them all in this post rather than just leave a few lines at the reply box.

Dannah, thanks for ur kind suggestion. i have lots of doubts and was feeling alone & helpless these days. i dunno anyone in the lifestyle to talk to until the new friend (i have mentioned in previous post) providing me her helping hand, thanks so much for her. May be i should try ur suggestion to write down those feelings and anything happened during the week, i'm not sure if it helps but at least here is a channel for me to get some advice.

Humble little girl, it's so nice of having ur support too and i really need it, thanks.

Naida, thanks so much, i hope i can feel a lil bit connected but it's hard. Another reason why i want to stop writing was i feel bad to keep on telling all my sad feelings & negative thoughts. i'm sorry to the ppl came across my blog and read all the latest posts of mine, but i just can't think of anything positive.

Baby girl, thanks for coming by my blog and ur nice comments. i'm so sorry for all these recent negative posts. i hope it just as you said things will get better.

Kitty, hi i loved ur stories with ur Daddy! i'm sorry to admit that i tend to ignore all these things and torture myself during my down time. However, i finally learned one thing, no one will take care of you except yourself. i will try to remember ur words about eat healthy and exercise. Thanks.


so... for the past few days, i was actually not feeling any better and not any worse. i tried to get myself busy again and am trying to put those things left behind for several months to back on track, ie job hunting. During day time, everything seems ok may be cos when i wake up it's already lunch time & just few hours left to finish the day. Therefore, the long nite time (cos i usually sleep very late) make me feel hard, what i did was mostly had drinks with friends. i know it is not a good choice but can't think of other things to pass such a long nite.

i'll be a bit more busy for the following few days, appointments such as job interviews, medical checkup, waxing, facial treatments, and some family & friends gatherings. Hope time pass faster and easier.

i need U

i came across the post "Absence Makes The Heart... " by Sir DauntlessVitality today.  In fact, the similar things keep running in my brain lately.  Absence is not only a challenge but also a hard thing for me to deal with.  Time apart or living apart is always a fact for U/us, but from time to time there always been certain period that make me worried so much like the uncertainty keep growing, and sometimes it even make me feel like disconnected.  i understand certain things/situations are out of control, but understand is one thing and how to handle it properly is another thing.  Quote Sir DauntlessVitality's wordings: "Try not to look at it as a bad thing" and "Make it a learning experience and grow from it", i hope i can do it better bit by bit.


Take this chance to write something to U, my Master:

nice pic but just part of web collections

i miss U my Master, not only miss, but need.

i need U in my life, i need Ur guidance & directions to make me a better one.

i feel so lost without U, and so worry when i didn't hear from U or missed any chance to talk.

The start of this blog helped me to discover many things, but most importantly is that i realize how important U r to me.

all i want to say is.... i need U, and.....yes i need U.

(i know my presentation is not good, hope U dun mind and heard the voice in me)

missed again...

i was oversleep again this morning and probably missed His online time, sigh :( The more rest didn't helped to make me get better so why i sleep that much?! i'm so mad at myself now. :'( i feel so sorry to have missed Him and want to talk to Him so much. :( Sometimes i wonder i'm really bad as a slave, may be i'm too free and need more restrictions on my daily rountine.

hmm... other than these there is nothing much i can think of today, except i have used a little bit of time to read through my web collections of some favourite pics...so share the below which are the ones i like so much in their words:

weak

i'm feeling weak this whole day, not meaning i'm always a strong will person cos i'm not, just especially weak today. i feel like lost all my energy, can't find the source of strength. There are many things stuck in my brain, just too hard to tell or write....may be i'm falling apart again.

so... nothing much for today.

hate how my brain works

Other than the writings to present my feelings & thoughts, i know Master wanted me to have this blog to focus & learn more about bdsm and my role as His slave. In order to do this, one of the best way seems to be read more. It's a surprise today to notice such a long list of blogs i follow. Honestly, i enjoyed most of their writings, i get to know a bit more from some of their posts, i still want to read and explore more. Thank you every of you.

Along my way of exploration, i'm not only learning my role as His slave, i also found myself thinking and missing Him even more than i used to. It sounds good, right? However, my brain seems not working on a proper direction, it always goes on the negative side. i know it's only 2 days i didn't get to chat with Him, but all those insecure, uncertain, fears, wonders, etc started growing bit by bit. It is not nice and i think it's somehow annoying and not please to Him. i tried to re-focus on the upcoming punishments but the few options i can think of scared me even more that i dun want to write it out now.

So again, i miss Him, and yes i need Him in my life, that's the only thing left i can tell at the moment. my brain keep thinking of something like is He doing good or feeling happy today? where is He now? trips again? what are the things he do to spend a work day or rest day? when will he back to talk with me? will he punish me by letting me alone? will he.... oh no....start going back to the negative way again. There are lots more questions in my brain, but all i will ask is only "How are U doing Master?". i rarely ask another follow up questions to make Him feel so bothered, even i really want to know more about His daily life.

This is me, always have lots of questions working in my brain but never brave to speak it out unless i drunk (no, i can't do that again otherwise will be in a bigger trouble). i can be talkative while writing, but in real life i'm very quiet. It's hard to explain why, shy yes, but also hold back what i wanna say. i need to think again & again beforehand in order not to speak anything wrong. i need to predict how's the opposite side react and then prepare how should i reply. It just so many options and Q&A need to be well prepared before i can figure out the proper words to speak. If something happened out of my prediction or planning, i may end up stand there can't speak and can't response. That's not fun. That's how i hate my brain works. It would be good if can change a more simple and straight forward thinking brain on me thru it's impossible.

seems a great moment, i love this pic but it's not me lol.

focus on punishments

i'm happy of the chat W/we had this morning (evening time for Master), actually i feel happy most of the time after our chat :D and then when He off to sleep, i go back to sleep awhile too because i'm really not well and sometimes i just imagine it's like taking the same time to sleep next to him, how silly am i lol

Talking back to the topic of this post, Master wants me to find many different kinds of punishments especially i have to do them myself. He wants me to search more & write it here as it will be good to me focus on that given my recent bad behaviour. (i have that written on the tab "Punishments") :(

oh i have no idea, i think of it again & again but still dunno what to do. The only one thing possible in my mind now is the "flat wooden spoon or spatula" that he asked me to get recently. It can be used for spanking may be, but who can spank themselves really hard like other do on them. @__@

sigh.....

hmm.....

After the initial blog set up and keep on modifying the posts/pages, i've got no idea on what else to write. i read a lot from others just can't get any idea on the next topic. May be start another new page for "rules"?! but...... i'm confused, i'm not good in writing and i just not feel well today @_@

and, i just miss Him!

moody

Although i dun think this last journal posted on yahoo worth to re-post, i just post it again here to keep as record -

Posted on 05/17/2011:

Nothing for today except moody...depressed...or whatever terms with similar meaning...

i hate getting sick!

i hate things not done well!!

i hate getting sick that frequent then affected my ability to get things done better!!!

Worst of all, i hate can't stop over thinking on negative side especially while sick!!!!!