i need U

i came across the post "Absence Makes The Heart... " by Sir DauntlessVitality today.  In fact, the similar things keep running in my brain lately.  Absence is not only a challenge but also a hard thing for me to deal with.  Time apart or living apart is always a fact for U/us, but from time to time there always been certain period that make me worried so much like the uncertainty keep growing, and sometimes it even make me feel like disconnected.  i understand certain things/situations are out of control, but understand is one thing and how to handle it properly is another thing.  Quote Sir DauntlessVitality's wordings: "Try not to look at it as a bad thing" and "Make it a learning experience and grow from it", i hope i can do it better bit by bit.


Take this chance to write something to U, my Master:

nice pic but just part of web collections

i miss U my Master, not only miss, but need.

i need U in my life, i need Ur guidance & directions to make me a better one.

i feel so lost without U, and so worry when i didn't hear from U or missed any chance to talk.

The start of this blog helped me to discover many things, but most importantly is that i realize how important U r to me.

all i want to say is.... i need U, and.....yes i need U.

(i know my presentation is not good, hope U dun mind and heard the voice in me)

wrong way of thinking

i have oversleep today, the medicine for flu made me sleep most of the day. When i woke up, it's already noon so possibly i have missed Him online. :(

Reading back the chat history of yesterday (dunno why i do that so often but it's my habit :P ), i think i'm really bad and need to change my way of thinking. When W/we talked about punishments, i was upset & did not understand why He also punish me for the failed task that i thought due to situation out of my control. He asked me who do i serve, i answered very fast with the only word "U". i tried to explain the situation was out of my control, i tried to explain how can i possible to relate someone else as Him. But then He told me when He assigned me a task eg. with someone, then that someone is acting in His place but i'd never tried whatever i can to complete the task.

oh i really never think of this way, i think i took the action to try & even asked for what He wanted me to do but it can complete or not was not the decision by me. That's how the way i always think. i did not know it's not correct until the chat on yesterday.

"you are my slave and my slut and must be willing to do what ever it takes to complete your task" He said. It sounds like easy but i'd failed with it. i think of it seriously again and i understand what was wrong in my mind. i'm sorry Master and i know i deserve the punishments. Thank you for reminding me of that.

orgasm control

so here is the 2nd journal previously posted on yahoo -


Posted on 05/16/2011:

The 2nd topic to write is about my naughty dreams of orgasm control - denied, forced, delayed and cum on command. i understand what these terms means, but what happened in my dreams?

Denied orgasm:  This one happened most among the others in my dreams. It seems i have so much struggle in it, there's always a voice saying "No", "Not allowed". i dunno why, and not sure if it cos of the so-called self restriction In the past, i always resist to make myself cum through masturbation as i think i've got enough and enjoyed too much from sex. Even didn't have sex for long time, i still rarely have the desire to cum unless something turned me on (but it also rare to happen).

Forced orgasm:  The only thing i can think of is being bound helplessly, then fuck me really hard plus some vibrating things to make me cum endlessly. In my dreams, i always beg to stop but even if i cried and screamed crazily it just never end. Few days ago when we chat and made me cum few times from masturbation, i felt a lil bit of how the intense feelings will be. i love being forced to cum but i wonder if i can handle the real one.

Delayed orgasm:  This one is rare in my thinking, and really hard to hold when U told me to play awhile more until U said ok. It just hard, i dunno how to hold it when i really want to cum. To me, denied seems better than delayed may be more practice will help?

Regarding cum on command, it's a totally new thing to me when i came across it in some blogs. This article gave me a lil bit hints about what it means: 

Orgasm Control/Delayed Orgasm - http://www.seekers.org.uk/Orgasm%20Control.htm

Honestly, i still not sure if "cum on command" is something really can happen even i have read the above article plus few blog posts in months ago. To me, it just so strange but seems quite interesting and seems to be something can turn me on for just thinking about it. Sometimes i think of what U would whisper in my ear (is it just "cum for me little one"?), how will i response (scared but body response to ur command immediately? or not able to response?), and the location of the trial (private? or public places?). i hate to think of getting it while in public places but knowing it's all about ur control over me do excited me a lot.

Writing this topic made me blush, but may be U will feel interested about the details of it in my mind.   

needs

as i said in previous post, Master requested me to move the previous journals from Yahoo to here....so i re-post the 1st one as follow -

Posted on 05/12/2011:

so i finally got a topic to start as the 1st journal after reading and following some bloggers, that is "needs". It is not because i read what their needs are then consider them as mine too. It is part of the things always in my mind during the past months and it becomes a bit clear recently. Also, i'm going to tell the true voice in me, not trying to say something that U may like or enjoy.  

The 2 bloggers' post are:

A Submissive's Needs - http://kinkylittlegirl.wordpress.com/2010/11/02/a-submissives-needs/

and

Needs - http://libbysub.blogspot.com/2007/05/needs.html

Their lists are not all my needs now, may be cos some seems to be "wants" or some other type of feelings to me. However, i think the list of my needs will become longer when i explore and experience more, right? so here goes with my list up till this moment:

• i need a strong one who is capable and willing to in charge of me or even every aspect of my life. i dunno how to provide an exact explanation of the term "strong one", anyway it's not only physical but also emotional, attitude, personality, etc. i'd never tell U these are the qualities/traits of man i always dream for in all of my past relationships.

• i need to feel safe, i think it linked to the degree i can trust.

• i need a sense of belonging, so i found being controlled, given orders and instructions, restrictions and rules becomes more and more important to me cos these can reinforce such sense and keep me focus.

• i need to feel loved and protected too, i think these give me the strength and support to go on the journey.

• the last one for now is i feel a strong need to please U. i'm not saying it to make U smile, it just the truth i found recently.  When i know U feel please to me, i feel happy and excited. However, when U said U r disappointed in me, i feel very sad and mad to myself.

i'm not sure if U already know all or part of my above points, hope it gives U a better understanding of me.  

a new start

i remembered when i first met Master online on last year, when W/we were still in the communication stage, He asked me to write Him journals for anything i want to share.  i did very few, instead i usually emails few lines or directly chat with Him on ym.  To me, writing journals or blog posts is the same thing as diary means i never have interest to do.  Anyway, i tried again to write in Yahoo! Pulse Blog on last month, but after 3 posts i found Yahoo announced the stopping of blog function!  @_@

Master seems so wanted me to continue writing so i searched again on web, and finally created a blogger a/c to start everything from here now.  As requested by Master, the previous 3 journals on Yahoo will be moved to here in the next posts.  Also, i hope this is a platform that can learn from other subs/slaves.  :)