a lil bit update

It was almost a month since i last posted, sorry to take this break that was much longer than i expected.

There are several things i wanna mention in this post (sorry it just like my diary book now):

1) Thanks to the friends i met along this period for all ur support & comfort words, that's what i needed, thank you.

2) i did finally got a lil response from him which i never expected to. Well i couldn't feel relief from it but rather like another shock, and felt like the wound was bleeding again.

3) During this period, other than the friends i mentioned, a Dom i met in another site who is very nice & supportive suggested to be my mentor. We talked a lot and he cleared my doubts & still trying to mend my wings. Thanks so much for all his help & support, it was really tough to be alone without someone guiding ur road.

4) About real life stuff, one of the things i'm happy with is to connect with a friend again who i once lost contact for over a year. i know he is not well since an injury but glad to hear him getting better bit by bit, i wish him well and the best of luck.

5) And then for myself, a big day in the coming sunday - my graduation, thru not really excited just a lil acheivement for my hard work in the past 2 years. But it also reminded me one thing, he did helped me a lot in my last assignment for the topic "Leadership", so i should thanks to him too.

6) i'm not very well physically too in these days, was on & off in hospital but just old problems hope won't be too bad.  Therefore, excuse me if it takes some more days for my next post.


Wish U all a great Friday & weekend xxx

(hmm... i dunno how to explain why i choose this video... sigh...)

renamed almost everything

Thanks to Mindset, Dannah, Cuddlykitten, Lily, Zelda, Kitty and some emails from others for all the comments and support, it means a lot to me. Thank you.

And yes, i haven't deleted the blog but made more changes on here, ie. rename of blog, link, user name, change the background pic, and have some pages hidden now, etc. i know there are some more need to be done but may be later, i'm just so tired.

i dun have anything else to say now except thanks to you all, and excuse me for taking some more days to rest.

Wish you all a wonderful weekend xxx

changes or the end

i need some changes here, in fact i did one thing already. Yes, i removed him! It's the end of the story, and it comes to the ending of his little slave. i'm sorry to do it, but i can't stand it any more especially to what i found.

What is honesty? What is trustworthy?! What a fool was i to worry if anything worst happened to him or if he was too busy?! What a fool was i to blame myself if i did anything wrong?!

i'm thinking to delete this blog or rename everything? or any suggestions?

Thanks anyway for reading and for the past comments.

thank you

Honestly, i was really thinking to stop writing or at least take a long break, but i just can't ignore the comments & let them hold there without answering. So, thanks so much for all ur comments on my previous post, means a lot to me and i wish to answer them all in this post rather than just leave a few lines at the reply box.

Dannah, thanks for ur kind suggestion. i have lots of doubts and was feeling alone & helpless these days. i dunno anyone in the lifestyle to talk to until the new friend (i have mentioned in previous post) providing me her helping hand, thanks so much for her. May be i should try ur suggestion to write down those feelings and anything happened during the week, i'm not sure if it helps but at least here is a channel for me to get some advice.

Humble little girl, it's so nice of having ur support too and i really need it, thanks.

Naida, thanks so much, i hope i can feel a lil bit connected but it's hard. Another reason why i want to stop writing was i feel bad to keep on telling all my sad feelings & negative thoughts. i'm sorry to the ppl came across my blog and read all the latest posts of mine, but i just can't think of anything positive.

Baby girl, thanks for coming by my blog and ur nice comments. i'm so sorry for all these recent negative posts. i hope it just as you said things will get better.

Kitty, hi i loved ur stories with ur Daddy! i'm sorry to admit that i tend to ignore all these things and torture myself during my down time. However, i finally learned one thing, no one will take care of you except yourself. i will try to remember ur words about eat healthy and exercise. Thanks.


so... for the past few days, i was actually not feeling any better and not any worse. i tried to get myself busy again and am trying to put those things left behind for several months to back on track, ie job hunting. During day time, everything seems ok may be cos when i wake up it's already lunch time & just few hours left to finish the day. Therefore, the long nite time (cos i usually sleep very late) make me feel hard, what i did was mostly had drinks with friends. i know it is not a good choice but can't think of other things to pass such a long nite.

i'll be a bit more busy for the following few days, appointments such as job interviews, medical checkup, waxing, facial treatments, and some family & friends gatherings. Hope time pass faster and easier.

time off

Another week of tough time passed and i'm so blessed to have a new friend's support & comfort words to help me go through it bit by bit (well U know who U r, thanks so much).

She is right that i should at least make a note here to say i'll be away for a while, then to take time to think clearly, plus i have other important issues in real life to handle. In fact, i'll still around the blogger community cos i read a lot almost everyday (and comment some too), just dun feel like to say anything at my own blog here temporarily.

btw, i know it may not appropriate but there are some words i want to put it down too before i leave. i read back again & again but i can't figure out any fights, false accusations, lies and/or dramas. Did i use wrong words or expressions? i really dunno, but i'd never had this intention. Even if i did, i wasn't given any chances to explain or correct.

Well, it doesn't matter anymore, and i'm off to take my time to rest. Thanks for reading.

responsibility

Although i dun have much to write, i read a lot these days and would like to share the following two posts that found on SubmissiveGuide.com:


Who Has the Greatest Responsibility in a D/s Relationship? by lunaKM, and
Responsibility in a D/s Relationship by Sate

They are great posts and are good to refer to, i think especially when engaged in a healthy D/s relationship. hmm... but what about when it is not, who cares?!

frustrated

It's been almost a week not updating the blog, i'm sorry but i couldn't come up to anything to write and it becomes meaningless to write on the blog if it is not for Him.

i cannot tell what's wrong cos i'm not sure about it and not willing to believe what i guess. Also, it is so disrespectful and irresponsible to write some unconfirmed thing that mainly comes from my own feelings.

It just too hard to only think on the good and stay positive, can anyone teach me how to do that?! sigh...i dunno how to explain and i know i'm not good in presentation especially cos english is not my 1st language. May be, the few words can appropriately describe my feelings in these days are: frustrated, disconnected, and...(some more words in my mind but better not tell)

Not sure when will have my next post, may be some days later or never. i'm so sorry for that my readers.

rainy day

What's up today? Boring diary post, blue moods, and rainy day (forecast will last for a week)...

i hope i can say/write something positive, but i feel something seems going wrong. my brain is playing tricks on me, i'm not sure what's that & i dunno what to do. T__T

When i dun feel like talking, i just want some music, here are for today:

(Just by chance heard it on yesterday, hmm...what to say... it keeps me recall some old memories, but doesn't mean related to anything current.)

(this song from F.I.R. a Taiwanese pop rock band, just touched my heart & emotion. Well, may be most people here won't understand the chinese lyrics, it described what's left ultimately after a period of profound love, it is not hate, nor regret, and the tears to shed are actually sincere thanks.)

i need U

i came across the post "Absence Makes The Heart... " by Sir DauntlessVitality today.  In fact, the similar things keep running in my brain lately.  Absence is not only a challenge but also a hard thing for me to deal with.  Time apart or living apart is always a fact for U/us, but from time to time there always been certain period that make me worried so much like the uncertainty keep growing, and sometimes it even make me feel like disconnected.  i understand certain things/situations are out of control, but understand is one thing and how to handle it properly is another thing.  Quote Sir DauntlessVitality's wordings: "Try not to look at it as a bad thing" and "Make it a learning experience and grow from it", i hope i can do it better bit by bit.


Take this chance to write something to U, my Master:

nice pic but just part of web collections

i miss U my Master, not only miss, but need.

i need U in my life, i need Ur guidance & directions to make me a better one.

i feel so lost without U, and so worry when i didn't hear from U or missed any chance to talk.

The start of this blog helped me to discover many things, but most importantly is that i realize how important U r to me.

all i want to say is.... i need U, and.....yes i need U.

(i know my presentation is not good, hope U dun mind and heard the voice in me)

harsh punishments but not much physical pain?!

i emailed Master with those tools i bought on last week which may be useful for "the punishments i can do by myself" :S May be a bit crazy, but all the things i can think of seems to be so painful therefore i still not ready to write the list out. i dunno, but it just so hard to think of anything else not involve any pain, especially Master said the punishment will be harsh.

According to the past record, none of the punishments involve any physical pain, so you can say i feel guilty and thus want to let myself suffer. However, i really dun have a creative mind, is there any suggestions of harsh punishments not involve much physical pain? or should i just let myself suffer for my misbehavior?! i dunno.

missed again...

i was oversleep again this morning and probably missed His online time, sigh :( The more rest didn't helped to make me get better so why i sleep that much?! i'm so mad at myself now. :'( i feel so sorry to have missed Him and want to talk to Him so much. :( Sometimes i wonder i'm really bad as a slave, may be i'm too free and need more restrictions on my daily rountine.

hmm... other than these there is nothing much i can think of today, except i have used a little bit of time to read through my web collections of some favourite pics...so share the below which are the ones i like so much in their words:

can you serve while sick?

Sorry there was nothing updated here for the past few days, i was really not well and had two days stayed in hospital. Anyway, it's another story not prepare to go further.

So...the title of this post... can you? i dunno why it suddenly comes up in my mind, but there are lots more things during the stay at hospital cos i once felt so pain inside & hard to breath so i thought i was going to die. i asked myself what are the things left i feel regret that i dun have time to complete...wow there are a lot, about family, friends, career, dreams and certainly about Him.

i wonder can i serve & please Him if i'm that sick? we are just online now but if going to real time, then i may become a burden more than anything that can serve Him & meet His needs.  Other than that, if i dun have any more time, i feel so regret that i still can't have a chance to meet Him, can't feel His touch, can't try out anything that W/we have discussed before, can't be the little part in His life and.....

oh sorry i'm going to the negative side of thinkings again.

weak

i'm feeling weak this whole day, not meaning i'm always a strong will person cos i'm not, just especially weak today. i feel like lost all my energy, can't find the source of strength. There are many things stuck in my brain, just too hard to tell or write....may be i'm falling apart again.

so... nothing much for today.

what about His expectations

When i was thinking about Master and the rules last nite, i read Serenity's post about serving which is a very good one and lead me to think deeply about His expectations on me.

i remembered i asked once before and His answer was everything. Well, i know it should be everything because i belongs to Him so what are the things He won't expect from me?!  hmmm... but may be i'm a bit foolish, i still not quite sure about the details or the main parts of this "everything"? This "everything" to me is still too board.

my point is if i can't be sure about what He is looking for in me, how can i be the slave that He wants?! how can i please and serve Him better?! yes better, i always strive for excellence if that is the thing i choose to do, oh that sounds funny like a slogan lol.  However, that is me, either give up not doing or try to make it as perfect as i can even though there is no perfect but i can hardly accept a just pass grading. I feel stress too but i want to be a better one for Him.

Btw, linking up His current & future expectations on me to a set of written rules and review whenever necessary seems good for me to understand what He really wants and what not to. It just the similar way of job description or company policy did, staff are easier to know what are expecting from them and the standard required. Just my thoughts and i hope it won't bother too much.

what about my rules

Recently, i came across some other posts about people judging if their (or even other's)rules are practical and valuable or not. Those discussions are mostly around the 128 Basic Slave Rules, and their modified ones.

Honestly, i dun really care about what people said cos i find and trust Master's rules are good for me and suit O/our situation. However, i dunno start from when, i want to have those rules written, not only in my heart but also make them explicit. i dunno why, may be because i think it will be good for me especially during the time i feel uncertain. A set of written rules seems to be a good reminder for my role as His slave.

i told Master once in a few days ago that i want to make a page for rules, and Master corrected my confuse about some of my "habits" are rules even though they became habits. After reading the 128 Basic Slave Rules, i'm a bit confuse again now. For me, some of them seems no need to remind because i'm doing them naturally without any hesitation. So, are they need to be written as part of my rules?! i'm not sure, may be i should write those i'm following then let Master review and have an updated one later. Hope He will find this post when He back. and....i just miss Him so much.

submissive type test

Last nite, when i was passing by Turiya's blog-Spirited Meanderings, i found the submissive type test. i always think most of these tests are not very accurate, but just try for fun is not bad.

So, here is the submissive type test if you wanna try ;)


my result is "SLAVE":

"You scored 33% Humiliation, 75% Submissiveness, 77% Service, and 58% Pain!
You're the slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or deslike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those thigns to you."

The result made me smile, i was not surprise to see that and just fine it classified me to the type i think is who i'm. :)

nice pic, but certainly it's from the web, lol

hate how my brain works

Other than the writings to present my feelings & thoughts, i know Master wanted me to have this blog to focus & learn more about bdsm and my role as His slave. In order to do this, one of the best way seems to be read more. It's a surprise today to notice such a long list of blogs i follow. Honestly, i enjoyed most of their writings, i get to know a bit more from some of their posts, i still want to read and explore more. Thank you every of you.

Along my way of exploration, i'm not only learning my role as His slave, i also found myself thinking and missing Him even more than i used to. It sounds good, right? However, my brain seems not working on a proper direction, it always goes on the negative side. i know it's only 2 days i didn't get to chat with Him, but all those insecure, uncertain, fears, wonders, etc started growing bit by bit. It is not nice and i think it's somehow annoying and not please to Him. i tried to re-focus on the upcoming punishments but the few options i can think of scared me even more that i dun want to write it out now.

So again, i miss Him, and yes i need Him in my life, that's the only thing left i can tell at the moment. my brain keep thinking of something like is He doing good or feeling happy today? where is He now? trips again? what are the things he do to spend a work day or rest day? when will he back to talk with me? will he punish me by letting me alone? will he.... oh no....start going back to the negative way again. There are lots more questions in my brain, but all i will ask is only "How are U doing Master?". i rarely ask another follow up questions to make Him feel so bothered, even i really want to know more about His daily life.

This is me, always have lots of questions working in my brain but never brave to speak it out unless i drunk (no, i can't do that again otherwise will be in a bigger trouble). i can be talkative while writing, but in real life i'm very quiet. It's hard to explain why, shy yes, but also hold back what i wanna say. i need to think again & again beforehand in order not to speak anything wrong. i need to predict how's the opposite side react and then prepare how should i reply. It just so many options and Q&A need to be well prepared before i can figure out the proper words to speak. If something happened out of my prediction or planning, i may end up stand there can't speak and can't response. That's not fun. That's how i hate my brain works. It would be good if can change a more simple and straight forward thinking brain on me thru it's impossible.

seems a great moment, i love this pic but it's not me lol.

wrong way of thinking

i have oversleep today, the medicine for flu made me sleep most of the day. When i woke up, it's already noon so possibly i have missed Him online. :(

Reading back the chat history of yesterday (dunno why i do that so often but it's my habit :P ), i think i'm really bad and need to change my way of thinking. When W/we talked about punishments, i was upset & did not understand why He also punish me for the failed task that i thought due to situation out of my control. He asked me who do i serve, i answered very fast with the only word "U". i tried to explain the situation was out of my control, i tried to explain how can i possible to relate someone else as Him. But then He told me when He assigned me a task eg. with someone, then that someone is acting in His place but i'd never tried whatever i can to complete the task.

oh i really never think of this way, i think i took the action to try & even asked for what He wanted me to do but it can complete or not was not the decision by me. That's how the way i always think. i did not know it's not correct until the chat on yesterday.

"you are my slave and my slut and must be willing to do what ever it takes to complete your task" He said. It sounds like easy but i'd failed with it. i think of it seriously again and i understand what was wrong in my mind. i'm sorry Master and i know i deserve the punishments. Thank you for reminding me of that.

focus on punishments

i'm happy of the chat W/we had this morning (evening time for Master), actually i feel happy most of the time after our chat :D and then when He off to sleep, i go back to sleep awhile too because i'm really not well and sometimes i just imagine it's like taking the same time to sleep next to him, how silly am i lol

Talking back to the topic of this post, Master wants me to find many different kinds of punishments especially i have to do them myself. He wants me to search more & write it here as it will be good to me focus on that given my recent bad behaviour. (i have that written on the tab "Punishments") :(

oh i have no idea, i think of it again & again but still dunno what to do. The only one thing possible in my mind now is the "flat wooden spoon or spatula" that he asked me to get recently. It can be used for spanking may be, but who can spank themselves really hard like other do on them. @__@

sigh.....

hmm.....

After the initial blog set up and keep on modifying the posts/pages, i've got no idea on what else to write. i read a lot from others just can't get any idea on the next topic. May be start another new page for "rules"?! but...... i'm confused, i'm not good in writing and i just not feel well today @_@

and, i just miss Him!

moody

Although i dun think this last journal posted on yahoo worth to re-post, i just post it again here to keep as record -

Posted on 05/17/2011:

Nothing for today except moody...depressed...or whatever terms with similar meaning...

i hate getting sick!

i hate things not done well!!

i hate getting sick that frequent then affected my ability to get things done better!!!

Worst of all, i hate can't stop over thinking on negative side especially while sick!!!!!

orgasm control

so here is the 2nd journal previously posted on yahoo -


Posted on 05/16/2011:

The 2nd topic to write is about my naughty dreams of orgasm control - denied, forced, delayed and cum on command. i understand what these terms means, but what happened in my dreams?

Denied orgasm:  This one happened most among the others in my dreams. It seems i have so much struggle in it, there's always a voice saying "No", "Not allowed". i dunno why, and not sure if it cos of the so-called self restriction In the past, i always resist to make myself cum through masturbation as i think i've got enough and enjoyed too much from sex. Even didn't have sex for long time, i still rarely have the desire to cum unless something turned me on (but it also rare to happen).

Forced orgasm:  The only thing i can think of is being bound helplessly, then fuck me really hard plus some vibrating things to make me cum endlessly. In my dreams, i always beg to stop but even if i cried and screamed crazily it just never end. Few days ago when we chat and made me cum few times from masturbation, i felt a lil bit of how the intense feelings will be. i love being forced to cum but i wonder if i can handle the real one.

Delayed orgasm:  This one is rare in my thinking, and really hard to hold when U told me to play awhile more until U said ok. It just hard, i dunno how to hold it when i really want to cum. To me, denied seems better than delayed may be more practice will help?

Regarding cum on command, it's a totally new thing to me when i came across it in some blogs. This article gave me a lil bit hints about what it means: 

Orgasm Control/Delayed Orgasm - http://www.seekers.org.uk/Orgasm%20Control.htm

Honestly, i still not sure if "cum on command" is something really can happen even i have read the above article plus few blog posts in months ago. To me, it just so strange but seems quite interesting and seems to be something can turn me on for just thinking about it. Sometimes i think of what U would whisper in my ear (is it just "cum for me little one"?), how will i response (scared but body response to ur command immediately? or not able to response?), and the location of the trial (private? or public places?). i hate to think of getting it while in public places but knowing it's all about ur control over me do excited me a lot.

Writing this topic made me blush, but may be U will feel interested about the details of it in my mind.   

needs

as i said in previous post, Master requested me to move the previous journals from Yahoo to here....so i re-post the 1st one as follow -

Posted on 05/12/2011:

so i finally got a topic to start as the 1st journal after reading and following some bloggers, that is "needs". It is not because i read what their needs are then consider them as mine too. It is part of the things always in my mind during the past months and it becomes a bit clear recently. Also, i'm going to tell the true voice in me, not trying to say something that U may like or enjoy.  

The 2 bloggers' post are:

A Submissive's Needs - http://kinkylittlegirl.wordpress.com/2010/11/02/a-submissives-needs/

and

Needs - http://libbysub.blogspot.com/2007/05/needs.html

Their lists are not all my needs now, may be cos some seems to be "wants" or some other type of feelings to me. However, i think the list of my needs will become longer when i explore and experience more, right? so here goes with my list up till this moment:

• i need a strong one who is capable and willing to in charge of me or even every aspect of my life. i dunno how to provide an exact explanation of the term "strong one", anyway it's not only physical but also emotional, attitude, personality, etc. i'd never tell U these are the qualities/traits of man i always dream for in all of my past relationships.

• i need to feel safe, i think it linked to the degree i can trust.

• i need a sense of belonging, so i found being controlled, given orders and instructions, restrictions and rules becomes more and more important to me cos these can reinforce such sense and keep me focus.

• i need to feel loved and protected too, i think these give me the strength and support to go on the journey.

• the last one for now is i feel a strong need to please U. i'm not saying it to make U smile, it just the truth i found recently.  When i know U feel please to me, i feel happy and excited. However, when U said U r disappointed in me, i feel very sad and mad to myself.

i'm not sure if U already know all or part of my above points, hope it gives U a better understanding of me.  

a new start

i remembered when i first met Master online on last year, when W/we were still in the communication stage, He asked me to write Him journals for anything i want to share.  i did very few, instead i usually emails few lines or directly chat with Him on ym.  To me, writing journals or blog posts is the same thing as diary means i never have interest to do.  Anyway, i tried again to write in Yahoo! Pulse Blog on last month, but after 3 posts i found Yahoo announced the stopping of blog function!  @_@

Master seems so wanted me to continue writing so i searched again on web, and finally created a blogger a/c to start everything from here now.  As requested by Master, the previous 3 journals on Yahoo will be moved to here in the next posts.  Also, i hope this is a platform that can learn from other subs/slaves.  :)